All Over Again

I really cannot understand my obsession with this guy. He, who can make me happy like a lark in one moment, but also pull down into the deepest doldrums in the next.

It was supposed to have been goodbye. And I guess it would have worked, if he hadn’t texted me first. Granted, it was something really innocent, to ask about exam-related stuff. But somehow, we started texting on and off again from there, and now I’m in a mess again. I suppose it’s my fault, for allowing myself to be strung up by him all over again. I mean, I should know better, right?

I honestly have no idea why there is this part of me that just keeps on clinging on to false hope, wishing for something that will never come true.

Just last month I was so angry at him to the point that I honestly contemplated never talking to him again. I think I’ll never be able to forget the pain and disappointment when I found out that he would rather specially meet Kelvin to pass him my notes, just to avoid meeting me.  Seriously, come on! I ended up throwing the notes away. I don’t really care about the time and effort spent, but they were for him, and he didn’t appreciate, so it’s really alright. I would much rather throw them away too. I wish he would also just throw away everything I’ve ever given to him. That way we can both pretend that we never existed in each other’s lives.

I just don’t know what’s his deal. Or maybe it’s me. It’s all in my head, and I’m the one driving myself crazy. Rationally, I should just stay away from him to keep myself sane, but somehow, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to stay away.

 

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Almost Over You

I’ve been meaning to update my blog over the past few months, but I just kept starting drafts and then deleting them because, I don’t know, it seems like whenever I want to start writing, my brain gets blocked. Or I get distracted by other stuff.

But I’m really bored today, enough that I am just sitting in front of my laptop and wanting to blog because I just need something to do.

So anyway, it’s amazing that it’s only been half a year and yet it feels like so much has happened. In a nutshell, I kind of confessed to him, let him know that I liked him. And guess what? Nothing.

No acknowledgement, no rejection, nothing.

I don’t know what hurts more – being outright rejected, or being made to feel like he cannot even be bothered to acknowledge my feelings. But I guess this is it – I’ve got to start moving on.

I spent a lot of time wondering, asking myself when it started to all go downhill. I mean, in the first quarter of the year, things were okay, although I was starting to feel him growing distant. And then towards the second quarter, it was as though he was trying to just get me off his back. His text replies were getting brusque to the point that every time I tried to initiate a conversation, I felt like I was intruding into his personal space. It became kind of like Q&A questions, where I’d attempt to keep the conversation going, and he would be like “Yeah”, “Hmm”, “Haha”. To say that it was frustrating would be a vast understatement.

So the other day I decided to come right out and confront him about it. I asked him if he was trying to avoid me because he knew I liked him. He decided to ignore the second part of the question and told me that I was being oversensitive. That he had always been replying messages like this.

Yeah, and pigs can fly.

Because he definitely does not “reply messages like this”.

And in that moment, I gave up. It’s really no point when someone doesn’t want to make an ounce of effort, and here I was, acting like a complete idiot. Even as friends, I really don’t think this is the way it should be.

There are still so many memories that I can’t help revisiting. A lot of past conversations and actions that leave me wondering if there could have been more. But it doesn’t matter anymore. There is only so much of myself to lose, and even I’m getting incredulous at myself for putting so much time and effort into someone who doesn’t appreciate. The worse part is, I berate myself for feeling this way. After all, we were never together, never even close to being together. So I don’t feel like I have an excuse to be hurt. All this… the tears, the heartache, the anger and the frustration. I kind of brought it upon myself, and I have to bear it all. Actions and consequences. Yep.

We’ve known each other for a year and a half now, and I’ve spent two-thirds of that time being in love with him. Hopelessly.

From the day I realised I was falling, I began telling myself that it would never be possible. For the same amount of time I’ve been in love with him, I’ve spent the exact same amount discouraging myself from falling for him. It’s really funny sometimes, because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before; like you just know he’s the one, even before you’ve really known him, even though you can count offhand the faults that would have put you off if it had been anyone else. Even with Gray, there were always doubts that I had to quash. But with him, I would have been ready to go all in any time.

I suppose we could still be friends, but he isn’t someone to take the initiative, and I’m too sick and tired to try to keep trying to keep in contact with someone who really doesn’t give a damn. So I guess we’ll just drift, until the day we meet on the streets and all that’s left to say is a smile and a nod.

He could have been the one, except he didn’t want to be.
So I guess this is the start of goodbye.

End Year Jitters

And there it is again, that immense urge to run away from the mess that is my life. Sometimes I’m not even sure what it is that I really want. I spend so much time obsessing over my planners, writing in them again and again the things I need to do, to get done, yet somehow I just can’t get my ass down to truly focus and put it all into action. Honestly, I wonder what is truly wrong with me.

I think one of the reasons I constantly feel that I don’t measure up is because of the fact that there is so much shit going on in my life. My debts, my job, my studies. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and as time goes by, I feel mounting pressure to have something to show for all these years of work and efforts. Sometimes I feel that I have nothing to my name; that the person everyone sees on the surface is a mere projection of who I want to be, but deep inside, I’m just nothing but an empty shell.

I suppose I should count my blessings that Melon is always there to encourage me and counsel me when I have this kind of negative thoughts, even though sometimes the truths that she hits me with are pretty hard to swallow.

I’m not sure if it’s the huge amount of outstanding to-do lists making me feel shitty, or because of my empty bank accounts and pockets; I don’t even understand what is it that I’m feeling exactly. My mind just won’t stop feeling jittery, and the more stressed up I am, the more I just want to buy an air ticket and fly the hell out of here. Even though I’m already about to fly off in another 2 weeks.

I think I just really don’t know what I want. I know what are the logical things to do, but I don’t know if those are the things I really want. Some days I feel like I struggle to remember how to be happy. Sometimes it’s like I just cannot find the energy to pull myself up. I don’t know what I can do to find that energy again. No matter how I try to brainwash myself, tell myself that, as long as I keep trying, everything will work out fine, it just doesn’t seem that way.

It’s about 3 more weeks to wrapping up 2016, and I’m trying to keep the optimism up. Trying to keep things simple for 2017, and make myself focus on just work and studies, and of course, clearing my debts.

Belated 26th

Been too happy the past 2 days to remember to post, but I’m officially 26! Spent my actual birthday on an impromptu dinner with him and Mels, and then karaoke all the way until 5am. It was the first time I saw him so high, as though he was just going all out to have fun even though I could tell that he was getting more and more tired as the night grew later. Kind of felt bad to see him feeling so shag the next day, but oh well, he’ll live. Hahaha!

This year’s birthday was supposed to be just another ordinary, uneventful day, until the both of them decided to throw me an impromptu celebration. To be honest, any day spent with him is a happy one, but being able to hang out the entire night with him on my birthday made the day all the more special. It sounds crazy… but I think I’ve fallen even harder for him.

Anyway, enough with the gushing. I’ve cut my hair short again. The last time that happened was when I broke up with Gray, and just wanted to go for a newer look. This time though, it was on a complete whim, and I think it’s really the last time I’m gonna do such a rash decision again. I just don’t like myself with short hair! It’s not really short short, still slightly past my shoulders, but I just can’t help but feel insecure. And my fringe is at the irritating length where its too long to be classified as bangs, but too short to tuck behind my ears. Urgh! I kinda feel like a poodle, and now I can’t wait for my hair to grow out again.

The good thing about November is that I’m always happy, because it’s my birthday month, even if I don’t have a lot of friends celebrating for me. I had my best birthday ever this year, thanks to him, and while I’m not greedy enough to hope that next year will be better, I really will treasure all the memories that I have with him.

Taiwan, Again!

I still cannot shake off the feeling that he is intentionally snubbing me, but after breaking down last night, I think I should just learn to move on with my life. Perhaps I’ll never find out why, but perhaps it’s also time to stop trying to find an answer for everything.

Finally finalised my itinerary for Taiwan, and settled all my accommodation bookings just this morning. Splurged a little on a nicer room for Jiufen, but otherwise, I tried to stick to budget accommodations as much as possible. I still need to do a lot of research and planning for Tainan since it’s going to be my first time there, and then there’s Yilan, where I’m pretty nervous about transport options. Still, I know I’ll be just fine.

I’m really looking forward to hiking Teapot Mountain, even though from all the articles I’ve read, it seems like the trails are going to be quite a challenge, and far more different than the ones I’ve done so far in Japan or Melbourne. Of course, there’s also the element of fear, especially since I’ll be all alone, and so far none of the articles/blogs I managed to find, has shared anything about doing the hike in winter.

I don’t know when I started falling in love with hiking, but I guess some views are really worth the effort of pushing myself all the way up, even when the return journey can be a bitch. So far I’ve never actually done any hiking in Taiwan (not that I can remember), except for the “near-death” climb up to Xiangshan last August. I will never forget how crazy the humidity was, and how I was literally drenched in my own sweat at the end of the climb. I think if Leo hadn’t encouraged me to keep going, I would have just given up midway. For a moment, I contemplated doing the ascent again this year, but then considering that I’ll be hiking on Yangmingshan as well… Maybe not. Haha!

I really shouldn’t get too carried away, since before I can fully enjoy this trip, I still have to prepare for the next round of ACCA exams. Hopefully, self-study won’t be a complete failure.

Desperation

I wonder if there is a term for being prone to over-reacting to everything.

I think I’m being like that, especially when it comes to work.

Whatever happened to the calm and collected me? Who could quietly, methodically, calmly go through an entire stack of work and not break a sweat?

Some days it seems like I have changed so much from the person I was back in St. James. Some days I hardly recognise myself.

Spent the weekend basically nursing my heart, moping at home and trying to pull my shit together. Made a trip down to City Hall just to check out the price of his puzzle frame for him, but again, he was so cold and distant. I finally plucked up the courage to ask him if anything was wrong, but he insisted that there wasn’t. And even though we did end up texting on and off throughout Saturday, it genuinely felt like he was merely entertaining me. I don’t know, I just… really don’t know! Thankfully, hanging out with Melon and Ann helped take my mind off, even if I was obviously moody throughout the entire day. Sunday was spent locked up at home, except for a 3-hour block during which I got my toes pedicured and met some stranger to do a survey, just because I’m nice like that.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I went to beg the Goddess of Mercy (a.k.a 观音娘娘) for a chance with him. It sounds like a really stupid thing, but this is the extent of how much I really want him. I can think of a dozen reasons NOT to love him, and if anyone asked me to explain just why I’m so smitten with him, I don’t think I can give a definitive answer either. I know perhaps it sounds crazy, but there is just this part of my heart that is so certain that he’s the one, and I’ve never had this feeling about anyone before. Not even with G, even though we were set to marry. It just felt like the natural course of things after so many years together, and I always squashed any doubts by telling myself that I should stick with my choice.

I know it sounds really unbelievable, and I won’t try to explain it to anyone, but this feeling is just so different from what I’ve ever felt for anyone else. Even I can’t understand it myself. And its like, despite all the pain from discovering that he has someone else in mind, from being coldly shunned by him for no reason, I cannot help but continue to be drawn to him. There is a voice in mind that keeps telling me that he really isn’t like that, that he isn’t intentionally trying to snub me, that if he were really pissed and irritated at me, he would at least have the decency to tell me what went wrong. He wouldn’t be so cruel to intentionally cause me so much pain… would he?

I know love isn’t something you can get just because you want it. I know that there is very high possibility that if and when I confess, our friendship might never be the same again. I know that, more likely than not, I could never be the one for him. But I think I’m willing to take the risk, IF I am given the chance to. As things stand right now, maybe I won’t even have the chance to make known my feelings. Maybe we’ll just disappear off each other’s radar just like that.

I miss him with every fiber of my being, and yet I have to go through life’s daily motions as though everything is alright. I don’t want to come off sounding like some lovesick, demented, crazy woman, but damn, I wish I could get him out of my mind too!

If Only Wishes Grew On Trees

I’ll never fail to be amazed at how fast and sudden everything can just crash. One moment the stars sparkle and the moon shines bright, and all of a sudden, the  dark cloud swoop in to wipe away any trace of light. Sunday night he suddenly tells me that he’s considering to be with another girl; that was a huge bomb by itself, but I tried to be nonchalant even though I felt like my heart was dying. Our chats continued, and by luck/chance, he even agreed to have dinner with me on his birthday.

And then all of a sudden, everything just changed.

The next day, his replies suddenly became brusque and distant. I got so affected that I simply couldn’t find the strength to put a smile on my face. Yeah I know, I’m a little of a drama-mama, but it still hurt a lot. I know I haven’t done anything to deserve such treatment. I tried asking him if he was okay, but he brushed me off too, and the past few days, he seems so distant to me, even when talking in the group chat with me and Mels. I really don’t understand!

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m just being oversensitive; that he’s just tired and cranky, but I can’t shake off the feeling that he’s pissed off at me or something. Perhaps the saddest part is that, I’m still trying to find all sorts of excuses to convince myself that I’m just over-thinking. Perhaps he’s just tired; perhaps he’s just busy; perhaps…

Perhaps he just doesn’t give a damn.

Deep down there’s this part of me who nags and says that he isn’t that kind of guy who would just suddenly snub me for no reason, yet I can’t help but wonder if I’ve somehow, accidentally gone too far and irritated him to the point that he can’t stand me anymore. One thing for sure is that, while I’m here, constantly wondering and thinking and moping about him, missing him, he doesn’t give two hoots about me at all. Again, I must repeat that rationality dictates that I move on with my own life and erase him out of mine, but then, I suppose irrationality could be my middle name.

The “never-say-die” part of me tells me to just hang in there, and just keep doing what I’ve been doing thus far: namely random chats and staggered pestering, but I’m so worried to piss him off further URGH.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into one of those “feeling-less” people. Kind of saves me a ton of heartache. I wish we could go back to our nonsensical banter soon. I wish it could be like this forever. I wish he could be mine.

If only wishes grew on trees.