A Weekend to Remember

It’s been such a long while since I’ve blogged about anything positive, but I had such an absolutely wonderful weekend that I’m still caught up in the bits of lingering happiness. And of course, it’s got everything to do with him. Hahahaha!

It all began last Thursday, when I tried my luck to ask him out for an impromptu movie. Never mind that he didn’t agree, but we ended up chatting on and off through the entire weekend. And the most magical thing that happened was that he actually agreed to supper on Saturday night! I don’t know why he suddenly asked where I was, but I decided to try my luck since he mentioned he was on the way to Tampines, and he actually said okay! I ended up going out again 10 minutes after I’d just reached home, just to meet him for slightly under 2 hours. Not very long I know, but it was like a surprise free dessert that tastes amazingly sweet.

Fine, not the best metaphor, but the meaning is there.

Alright, I know I sound totally like a lovesick fool right now, but I can’t help it. Knowing myself, once I’m over the high, the withdrawal symptoms are going to be hell to bear again, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. The thing about being in love with him, is that no matter how down I get when I miss him, no matter how I try to convince myself that it could never be, I can’t help but be happy with the simplest attention from him. Be it random late-nights chats, or when I’m bitching to him about work, or when I’m just bugging him with all sorts of nonsense because I’m high. I’ve told myself countless times not to ever hold any hopes that we could ever be more than just friends, and I’m fully aware of the fact, but I’m still filled with a sort of excited happiness whenever I talk to him. And meet-ups are like, the best things that happen, especially impromptu and totally unexpected ones like last Saturday.

Totally looking forward to Friday now, ‘cuz we’re supposed to be meeting for dinner again, yay!

Stay Strong

I realise that I have this tendency to start going into “panic attack” mode whenever I am confronted by questions to which I do not have any answers, especially when it comes to audit. Not sure when this started, but I think it’s also one of the reasons why I keep breaking down in tears.

I know that logically, the solution would be to seek help to find the required answers, but… I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I mean, I suppose it’s all fine and normal to be asking tons of questions as a fresh A1 who has just entered the firm, but to be still asking tons of questions a year later… I realise I suck at doing proper documentation, and I don’t know why. My command of English isn’t all that bad, so writing shouldn’t be a problem for me. Yet it seems that whenever I have to formulate sentences to document my work properly, I just inevitably get stuck. Same when it comes to writing arps.

I think I’m at this point in life where I have lost every single shred of confidence in myself. I feel like a failure at everything, be it at work or with the personal aspects of my life; it really feels like every single aspect of my life is in a mess. Nothing seems to be going right, and every turn and every step is filled with so much uncertainty. No doubt the debt is the biggest burden weighing down on me, but the struggle to adapt to the work environment even after a year is also another factor. I often read back on my past writings and I see so much negativity every now and then. Some days I feel like just deleting this entire blog, because I feel ashamed of myself.

I think the most ironic thing is that, even as I am at my lowest point in life, even as I look into the mirror and only manage to see a complete and utter failure, the people around me, continue to think that I am damn stable and well-established, and nothing I say seems to make them think otherwise. Well, except for the really close ones like Melon and Vince. Such a joke.

I know I’ve lamented this more than once, but I really miss the kind of zest I used to have towards life. Nowadays, I can’t help but feel defeated. Melon tells me that this is merely a phase of my life that I have to grit my teeth and bear through, and to be honest, I know it myself. But sometimes the future just seems so bleak; I have to keep telling myself that I am stronger than I feel at this moment, and that as long as I keep at it, one day I will finally get myself out of this mess. One can only hope I guess. There is this common saying that, out of the ashes, a phoenix will rise. I don’t know if I will ever become a phoenix, but I’m still trying to not succumb to all this negativity.

Fool Be The One Who Thinks With Her Heart

I realise I truly do the silliest things in the name of love.

I guess it’s supposed to be normal to want to hang out with the person you like, at every given opportunity, and I kinda refuse to believe that I’m the only one who feels that way, but I can’t help but question myself whenever I realise that I’ve (yet again) put myself into an unhappy situation. 

Perhaps it’s my own over-sensitivity, or perhaps I’m just trying too hard. It’s really hard to try and be myself when I just can’t shake off that nagging feeling that I’m just sticking myself somewhere I don’t belong. I wouldn’t use the word “hate”, but truly, it’s an unhappy feeling. And I guess I’m also kinda jealous. 

One could probably say that this puts into clearer perspective, that he obviously doesn’t have any interest in me as more than a friend. Sadly, awareness and knowledge do not necessarily equate rationality, but then again, love is never rational, is it? From the outstart, I already knew that this was gonna be another one-sided infatuation on my part, and despite knowing that it would never amount to anything, I never even tried resisting. So here I am again, at the stage whereby I am too deeply entrenched in my feelings while having to deal with the fact that they can never be reciprocated. 

Self-confidence and self-acceptance seem to be factors that will forever elude me. Maybe it’s because I find it truly hard to believe that people could actually look past physical appearances to fall in love with the soul that is within you; there is afterall, a reason why so many people struggle to conform to or break through all these societal standards, whether they be ridiculous or not. By these standards, I am fat, and as such, it is incredulous to even think, for a moment, that anyone could fall in love with such imperfection, especially when there are so many better choices out there. Or maybe (and I concede this only in an attempt at positivity) I just have yet to meet the right person to prove me wrong. 

Logic dictates that one should probably move on when faced with the impossibility of any situation, but if only it were as easy as that. The logically-stubborn part of me tells me that it is wrong and foolish to let myself continue to be stuck in this situation, whereas the foolishly-stubborn part counters back with the “what-ifs” of perserverance. Experience tells me that only time can reveal the answers to my questions, and for now, I continue to be stuck as this lovesick fool. 

Holding up

I don’t seem to be able to find the energy to be my usual bubbly self. And it seems like I’m having the same old trouble with my breathing again. Guess I really can’t deny that I’m truly ageing.

Yesterday night was another one of those highly-strung days. I can’t say for sure whether it was due to the 2 cups of black coffee I had in one morning, or the sudden influx of whatsapp messages late evening which meant that I had to simultaneously deal with different conversation topics and therefore sending my brain into overdrive. Or… urgh, I don’t know!

On nights like these I am reminded of the reason why I started cutting so many years ago: that immense, pressing need to physically feel something, anything, through the tangled mess of thoughts that swirl and creep through my mind. But a dozen years older and (hopefully) wiser at 26, I now know that somehow, all this shit will come to pass in time. All I have to do is just keep hanging in there…right? Yet why does that knowledge feel even more painful?

It seems like the more I am troubled over all these shits, the more I do not know how to turn to anyone. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and to be honest, this time,  I am just so ashamed of this whole mountain of debt I’ve gotten myself mired in, which makes it even harder to try and talk about it. And so I’m back to my nightly jogs. The adrenaline that makes my heart pound helps to distract my mind and exhaust my body enough that I can spend lesser hours tossing and turning in bed. Reading articles on dealing with depression is actually helping a lot more than I expected, as I try to ween myself off the bad habit of running to Bossmon every time I’m troubled.

To be honest, I know exactly what the problem is, and I know exactly what the solution is. The only thing that’s keeping me so low in spirits is the actual execution of the solution; the awareness of the amount of sheer determination and self-discipline that I’m going to have to stick with over the next two years to put everything right again, or at least set my life back into some semblance of “order”. And yes, I do know and understand that I’m basically just whining, but I’m so over beating myself up for every single flaw. I’m never going to be perfect, and I’ve come to make peace with that. For now, I’m just struggling to focus on doing the things I need to get done, be it work-related or personal.

Step by step, day by day, task by task… Just hang in there and hope, believe and pray that everything will come to pass.

I miss him

I miss our late night chats; the stories, the lessons, the secret smiles and laughter that he doesn’t know he brings me.

I miss pestering him like a kid, even though I’m normally not this childish. At least, not all the time. I love it when I manage to make him laugh, even though sometimes he tsks like a disapproving adult, but no, I don’t see him as a fatherly nor brotherly figure. Most definitely not.

I love it when he laughs. It transforms his whole face, and… I don’t know. It just makes me happy when I know that he’s happy.

And though I know he doesn’t think of me the way I do, I cannot help but secretly hope that one day, it could be. Silly, I know, but I guess love is never rational.

I’ve decided to stop matchmaking him, because I realised that I get jealous when he seems to be seriously considering. I know it makes me sound stupid, but what seemed like childish fun in the beginning obviously backfired on me. I don’t regret it, but I just ain’t gonna play such games on my heart anymore.

He says that love is the “feeling of being fucking excited to see her”. I don’t know how true that is, but I do know that I’m always happy and excited to meet him, to talk to him. Even our whatsapp conversations can make my day feel extra sweet.

I wish I could tell him how I feel.

I wish he could be by my side, especially now as I struggle to correct the mistakes I’ve made all these while. Not to help me solve my problems, but just to be here, a comforting presence.

I wish I could tell him the truth about me. Who I really am – this shitty little person, and the situation I’ve put myself into, but I would hate it if he ended up judging me negatively…

Counting down to next Friday when I can get to see him again, after nearly a month.

I really miss him.

Clarity

And all of a sudden, I am finally aware of the reason why I have been such an emotional wreck on and off the past few years. The answer had been there, always blatantly staring me in the eyes, and I had even acknowledged it, but subconsciously, I just chose to escape.

Just like how 3 and a half years ago, I chose to run away from the pain of the break-up by constantly distracting myself, I have been applying that same logic and same bad habit to the other aspects of my life, and tadah! Here I am today: forced by myself into a corner with nowhere else to turn, forced to finally face my problems head-on.

I can no longer ask myself “what the fuck is wrong with me?!”, because the clear, simple answer all this while, has been to stop running away. All this while I thought I was in control, that somehow I could solve all my problems, that it would always turn out to be a happy ending, but in the end, I was nothing but wrong, wrong wrong.

I’m angry at myself for allowing all this shit to happen. I’m upset that the situation has deteriorated to such an extent. But I think, I’m glad that I’ve finally reached the point where I can no longer run away from reality. It truly is time to start facing everything, and difficult though it may be, I no longer have a choice. The beginning is always the hardest, but I guess what must done, must be done. It’s going to be a long year or two, but I have no other option except to keep going forward and hope that this time round, I can finally put things right.

I’m not a religious person, but I pray that I will be able to ride it out this time round.

Blue Monday

So! ACCA results are out, and… I suppose I should be happy that I finally passed my audit paper (F8). Like, FINALLY! After 3 attempts, so much desperation and serious mugging… As expected, I failed the other 2 papers, and I know I’m not supposed to be affected since I didn’t even study for the papers, but… SIGHS…

The lack of mood to work is slowly snowballing, and while I’m not alien to this feeling, I’m suddenly struck by this thought that perhaps, just perhaps, it was a mistake to enter EY. No doubt I would probably never have cleared any of my ACCA papers had I stayed on in commercial accounting; that’s a really strong point on my list of pros and cons. But at the same time, I still can’t fully adapt to the environment here. Heck, I think I’m just generally lost in life, but it really doesn’t help that the people around me keep quitting. I mean the ones I care about, of course. I think I must have sighed a hundred times just this morning.

On a more positive note, having so many things biting down on my ass means that I’m finally feeling the urgency to stop procrastinating. Now to translate that sense of urgency into real action.

It feels like suddenly there are like, a million things on my hand. Freelance, backlog from work, my debts, my studies… I know I know, I asked for everything,  and I’m not exactly complaining lah. More like berating myself for pushing myself into juggling so many things at one shot. And yeah, procrastinating didn’t exactly help either. The goal now is to complete everything on my to-do list, both work and personal, instead of letting everything roll on and on. I think this bad habit started from AFCO and yep, I probably should seriously look at changing this.