I’ve been meaning to update my blog over the past few months, but I just kept starting drafts and then deleting them because, I don’t know, it seems like whenever I want to start writing, my brain gets blocked. Or I get distracted by other stuff.
But I’m really bored today, enough that I am just sitting in front of my laptop and wanting to blog because I just need something to do.
So anyway, it’s amazing that it’s only been half a year and yet it feels like so much has happened. In a nutshell, I kind of confessed to him, let him know that I liked him. And guess what? Nothing.
No acknowledgement, no rejection, nothing.
I don’t know what hurts more – being outright rejected, or being made to feel like he cannot even be bothered to acknowledge my feelings. But I guess this is it – I’ve got to start moving on.
I spent a lot of time wondering, asking myself when it started to all go downhill. I mean, in the first quarter of the year, things were okay, although I was starting to feel him growing distant. And then towards the second quarter, it was as though he was trying to just get me off his back. His text replies were getting brusque to the point that every time I tried to initiate a conversation, I felt like I was intruding into his personal space. It became kind of like Q&A questions, where I’d attempt to keep the conversation going, and he would be like “Yeah”, “Hmm”, “Haha”. To say that it was frustrating would be a vast understatement.
So the other day I decided to come right out and confront him about it. I asked him if he was trying to avoid me because he knew I liked him. He decided to ignore the second part of the question and told me that I was being oversensitive. That he had always been replying messages like this.
Yeah, and pigs can fly.
Because he definitely does not “reply messages like this”.
And in that moment, I gave up. It’s really no point when someone doesn’t want to make an ounce of effort, and here I was, acting like a complete idiot. Even as friends, I really don’t think this is the way it should be.
There are still so many memories that I can’t help revisiting. A lot of past conversations and actions that leave me wondering if there could have been more. But it doesn’t matter anymore. There is only so much of myself to lose, and even I’m getting incredulous at myself for putting so much time and effort into someone who doesn’t appreciate. The worse part is, I berate myself for feeling this way. After all, we were never together, never even close to being together. So I don’t feel like I have an excuse to be hurt. All this… the tears, the heartache, the anger and the frustration. I kind of brought it upon myself, and I have to bear it all. Actions and consequences. Yep.
We’ve known each other for a year and a half now, and I’ve spent two-thirds of that time being in love with him. Hopelessly.
From the day I realised I was falling, I began telling myself that it would never be possible. For the same amount of time I’ve been in love with him, I’ve spent the exact same amount discouraging myself from falling for him. It’s really funny sometimes, because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before; like you just know he’s the one, even before you’ve really known him, even though you can count offhand the faults that would have put you off if it had been anyone else. Even with Gray, there were always doubts that I had to quash. But with him, I would have been ready to go all in any time.
I suppose we could still be friends, but he isn’t someone to take the initiative, and I’m too sick and tired to try to keep trying to keep in contact with someone who really doesn’t give a damn. So I guess we’ll just drift, until the day we meet on the streets and all that’s left to say is a smile and a nod.
He could have been the one, except he didn’t want to be.
So I guess this is the start of goodbye.