End Year Jitters

And there it is again, that immense urge to run away from the mess that is my life. Sometimes I’m not even sure what it is that I really want. I spend so much time obsessing over my planners, writing in them again and again the things I need to do, to get done, yet somehow I just can’t get my ass down to truly focus and put it all into action. Honestly, I wonder what is truly wrong with me.

I think one of the reasons I constantly feel that I don’t measure up is because of the fact that there is so much shit going on in my life. My debts, my job, my studies. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and as time goes by, I feel mounting pressure to have something to show for all these years of work and efforts. Sometimes I feel that I have nothing to my name; that the person everyone sees on the surface is a mere projection of who I want to be, but deep inside, I’m just nothing but an empty shell.

I suppose I should count my blessings that Melon is always there to encourage me and counsel me when I have this kind of negative thoughts, even though sometimes the truths that she hits me with are pretty hard to swallow.

I’m not sure if it’s the huge amount of outstanding to-do lists making me feel shitty, or because of my empty bank accounts and pockets; I don’t even understand what is it that I’m feeling exactly. My mind just won’t stop feeling jittery, and the more stressed up I am, the more I just want to buy an air ticket and fly the hell out of here. Even though I’m already about to fly off in another 2 weeks.

I think I just really don’t know what I want. I know what are the logical things to do, but I don’t know if those are the things I really want. Some days I feel like I struggle to remember how to be happy. Sometimes it’s like I just cannot find the energy to pull myself up. I don’t know what I can do to find that energy again. No matter how I try to brainwash myself, tell myself that, as long as I keep trying, everything will work out fine, it just doesn’t seem that way.

It’s about 3 more weeks to wrapping up 2016, and I’m trying to keep the optimism up. Trying to keep things simple for 2017, and make myself focus on just work and studies, and of course, clearing my debts.

Belated 26th

Been too happy the past 2 days to remember to post, but I’m officially 26! Spent my actual birthday on an impromptu dinner with him and Mels, and then karaoke all the way until 5am. It was the first time I saw him so high, as though he was just going all out to have fun even though I could tell that he was getting more and more tired as the night grew later. Kind of felt bad to see him feeling so shag the next day, but oh well, he’ll live. Hahaha!

This year’s birthday was supposed to be just another ordinary, uneventful day, until the both of them decided to throw me an impromptu celebration. To be honest, any day spent with him is a happy one, but being able to hang out the entire night with him on my birthday made the day all the more special. It sounds crazy… but I think I’ve fallen even harder for him.

Anyway, enough with the gushing. I’ve cut my hair short again. The last time that happened was when I broke up with Gray, and just wanted to go for a newer look. This time though, it was on a complete whim, and I think it’s really the last time I’m gonna do such a rash decision again. I just don’t like myself with short hair! It’s not really short short, still slightly past my shoulders, but I just can’t help but feel insecure. And my fringe is at the irritating length where its too long to be classified as bangs, but too short to tuck behind my ears. Urgh! I kinda feel like a poodle, and now I can’t wait for my hair to grow out again.

The good thing about November is that I’m always happy, because it’s my birthday month, even if I don’t have a lot of friends celebrating for me. I had my best birthday ever this year, thanks to him, and while I’m not greedy enough to hope that next year will be better, I really will treasure all the memories that I have with him.

Taiwan, Again!

I still cannot shake off the feeling that he is intentionally snubbing me, but after breaking down last night, I think I should just learn to move on with my life. Perhaps I’ll never find out why, but perhaps it’s also time to stop trying to find an answer for everything.

Finally finalised my itinerary for Taiwan, and settled all my accommodation bookings just this morning. Splurged a little on a nicer room for Jiufen, but otherwise, I tried to stick to budget accommodations as much as possible. I still need to do a lot of research and planning for Tainan since it’s going to be my first time there, and then there’s Yilan, where I’m pretty nervous about transport options. Still, I know I’ll be just fine.

I’m really looking forward to hiking Teapot Mountain, even though from all the articles I’ve read, it seems like the trails are going to be quite a challenge, and far more different than the ones I’ve done so far in Japan or Melbourne. Of course, there’s also the element of fear, especially since I’ll be all alone, and so far none of the articles/blogs I managed to find, has shared anything about doing the hike in winter.

I don’t know when I started falling in love with hiking, but I guess some views are really worth the effort of pushing myself all the way up, even when the return journey can be a bitch. So far I’ve never actually done any hiking in Taiwan (not that I can remember), except for the “near-death” climb up to Xiangshan last August. I will never forget how crazy the humidity was, and how I was literally drenched in my own sweat at the end of the climb. I think if Leo hadn’t encouraged me to keep going, I would have just given up midway. For a moment, I contemplated doing the ascent again this year, but then considering that I’ll be hiking on Yangmingshan as well… Maybe not. Haha!

I really shouldn’t get too carried away, since before I can fully enjoy this trip, I still have to prepare for the next round of ACCA exams. Hopefully, self-study won’t be a complete failure.

Desperation

I wonder if there is a term for being prone to over-reacting to everything.

I think I’m being like that, especially when it comes to work.

Whatever happened to the calm and collected me? Who could quietly, methodically, calmly go through an entire stack of work and not break a sweat?

Some days it seems like I have changed so much from the person I was back in St. James. Some days I hardly recognise myself.

Spent the weekend basically nursing my heart, moping at home and trying to pull my shit together. Made a trip down to City Hall just to check out the price of his puzzle frame for him, but again, he was so cold and distant. I finally plucked up the courage to ask him if anything was wrong, but he insisted that there wasn’t. And even though we did end up texting on and off throughout Saturday, it genuinely felt like he was merely entertaining me. I don’t know, I just… really don’t know! Thankfully, hanging out with Melon and Ann helped take my mind off, even if I was obviously moody throughout the entire day. Sunday was spent locked up at home, except for a 3-hour block during which I got my toes pedicured and met some stranger to do a survey, just because I’m nice like that.

I’m almost ashamed to admit that I went to beg the Goddess of Mercy (a.k.a 观音娘娘) for a chance with him. It sounds like a really stupid thing, but this is the extent of how much I really want him. I can think of a dozen reasons NOT to love him, and if anyone asked me to explain just why I’m so smitten with him, I don’t think I can give a definitive answer either. I know perhaps it sounds crazy, but there is just this part of my heart that is so certain that he’s the one, and I’ve never had this feeling about anyone before. Not even with G, even though we were set to marry. It just felt like the natural course of things after so many years together, and I always squashed any doubts by telling myself that I should stick with my choice.

I know it sounds really unbelievable, and I won’t try to explain it to anyone, but this feeling is just so different from what I’ve ever felt for anyone else. Even I can’t understand it myself. And its like, despite all the pain from discovering that he has someone else in mind, from being coldly shunned by him for no reason, I cannot help but continue to be drawn to him. There is a voice in mind that keeps telling me that he really isn’t like that, that he isn’t intentionally trying to snub me, that if he were really pissed and irritated at me, he would at least have the decency to tell me what went wrong. He wouldn’t be so cruel to intentionally cause me so much pain… would he?

I know love isn’t something you can get just because you want it. I know that there is very high possibility that if and when I confess, our friendship might never be the same again. I know that, more likely than not, I could never be the one for him. But I think I’m willing to take the risk, IF I am given the chance to. As things stand right now, maybe I won’t even have the chance to make known my feelings. Maybe we’ll just disappear off each other’s radar just like that.

I miss him with every fiber of my being, and yet I have to go through life’s daily motions as though everything is alright. I don’t want to come off sounding like some lovesick, demented, crazy woman, but damn, I wish I could get him out of my mind too!

If Only Wishes Grew On Trees

I’ll never fail to be amazed at how fast and sudden everything can just crash. One moment the stars sparkle and the moon shines bright, and all of a sudden, the  dark cloud swoop in to wipe away any trace of light. Sunday night he suddenly tells me that he’s considering to be with another girl; that was a huge bomb by itself, but I tried to be nonchalant even though I felt like my heart was dying. Our chats continued, and by luck/chance, he even agreed to have dinner with me on his birthday.

And then all of a sudden, everything just changed.

The next day, his replies suddenly became brusque and distant. I got so affected that I simply couldn’t find the strength to put a smile on my face. Yeah I know, I’m a little of a drama-mama, but it still hurt a lot. I know I haven’t done anything to deserve such treatment. I tried asking him if he was okay, but he brushed me off too, and the past few days, he seems so distant to me, even when talking in the group chat with me and Mels. I really don’t understand!

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I’m just being oversensitive; that he’s just tired and cranky, but I can’t shake off the feeling that he’s pissed off at me or something. Perhaps the saddest part is that, I’m still trying to find all sorts of excuses to convince myself that I’m just over-thinking. Perhaps he’s just tired; perhaps he’s just busy; perhaps…

Perhaps he just doesn’t give a damn.

Deep down there’s this part of me who nags and says that he isn’t that kind of guy who would just suddenly snub me for no reason, yet I can’t help but wonder if I’ve somehow, accidentally gone too far and irritated him to the point that he can’t stand me anymore. One thing for sure is that, while I’m here, constantly wondering and thinking and moping about him, missing him, he doesn’t give two hoots about me at all. Again, I must repeat that rationality dictates that I move on with my own life and erase him out of mine, but then, I suppose irrationality could be my middle name.

The “never-say-die” part of me tells me to just hang in there, and just keep doing what I’ve been doing thus far: namely random chats and staggered pestering, but I’m so worried to piss him off further URGH.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn myself into one of those “feeling-less” people. Kind of saves me a ton of heartache. I wish we could go back to our nonsensical banter soon. I wish it could be like this forever. I wish he could be mine.

If only wishes grew on trees.

A Weekend to Remember

It’s been such a long while since I’ve blogged about anything positive, but I had such an absolutely wonderful weekend that I’m still caught up in the bits of lingering happiness. And of course, it’s got everything to do with him. Hahahaha!

It all began last Thursday, when I tried my luck to ask him out for an impromptu movie. Never mind that he didn’t agree, but we ended up chatting on and off through the entire weekend. And the most magical thing that happened was that he actually agreed to supper on Saturday night! I don’t know why he suddenly asked where I was, but I decided to try my luck since he mentioned he was on the way to Tampines, and he actually said okay! I ended up going out again 10 minutes after I’d just reached home, just to meet him for slightly under 2 hours. Not very long I know, but it was like a surprise free dessert that tastes amazingly sweet.

Fine, not the best metaphor, but the meaning is there.

Alright, I know I sound totally like a lovesick fool right now, but I can’t help it. Knowing myself, once I’m over the high, the withdrawal symptoms are going to be hell to bear again, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. The thing about being in love with him, is that no matter how down I get when I miss him, no matter how I try to convince myself that it could never be, I can’t help but be happy with the simplest attention from him. Be it random late-nights chats, or when I’m bitching to him about work, or when I’m just bugging him with all sorts of nonsense because I’m high. I’ve told myself countless times not to ever hold any hopes that we could ever be more than just friends, and I’m fully aware of the fact, but I’m still filled with a sort of excited happiness whenever I talk to him. And meet-ups are like, the best things that happen, especially impromptu and totally unexpected ones like last Saturday.

Totally looking forward to Friday now, ‘cuz we’re supposed to be meeting for dinner again, yay!

Stay Strong

I realise that I have this tendency to start going into “panic attack” mode whenever I am confronted by questions to which I do not have any answers, especially when it comes to audit. Not sure when this started, but I think it’s also one of the reasons why I keep breaking down in tears.

I know that logically, the solution would be to seek help to find the required answers, but… I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I mean, I suppose it’s all fine and normal to be asking tons of questions as a fresh A1 who has just entered the firm, but to be still asking tons of questions a year later… I realise I suck at doing proper documentation, and I don’t know why. My command of English isn’t all that bad, so writing shouldn’t be a problem for me. Yet it seems that whenever I have to formulate sentences to document my work properly, I just inevitably get stuck. Same when it comes to writing arps.

I think I’m at this point in life where I have lost every single shred of confidence in myself. I feel like a failure at everything, be it at work or with the personal aspects of my life; it really feels like every single aspect of my life is in a mess. Nothing seems to be going right, and every turn and every step is filled with so much uncertainty. No doubt the debt is the biggest burden weighing down on me, but the struggle to adapt to the work environment even after a year is also another factor. I often read back on my past writings and I see so much negativity every now and then. Some days I feel like just deleting this entire blog, because I feel ashamed of myself.

I think the most ironic thing is that, even as I am at my lowest point in life, even as I look into the mirror and only manage to see a complete and utter failure, the people around me, continue to think that I am damn stable and well-established, and nothing I say seems to make them think otherwise. Well, except for the really close ones like Melon and Vince. Such a joke.

I know I’ve lamented this more than once, but I really miss the kind of zest I used to have towards life. Nowadays, I can’t help but feel defeated. Melon tells me that this is merely a phase of my life that I have to grit my teeth and bear through, and to be honest, I know it myself. But sometimes the future just seems so bleak; I have to keep telling myself that I am stronger than I feel at this moment, and that as long as I keep at it, one day I will finally get myself out of this mess. One can only hope I guess. There is this common saying that, out of the ashes, a phoenix will rise. I don’t know if I will ever become a phoenix, but I’m still trying to not succumb to all this negativity.