Holding up

I don’t seem to be able to find the energy to be my usual bubbly self. And it seems like I’m having the same old trouble with my breathing again. Guess I really can’t deny that I’m truly ageing.

Yesterday night was another one of those highly-strung days. I can’t say for sure whether it was due to the 2 cups of black coffee I had in one morning, or the sudden influx of whatsapp messages late evening which meant that I had to simultaneously deal with different conversation topics and therefore sending my brain into overdrive. Or… urgh, I don’t know!

On nights like these I am reminded of the reason why I started cutting so many years ago: that immense, pressing need to physically feel something, anything, through the tangled mess of thoughts that swirl and creep through my mind. But a dozen years older and (hopefully) wiser at 26, I now know that somehow, all this shit will come to pass in time. All I have to do is just keep hanging in there…right? Yet why does that knowledge feel even more painful?

It seems like the more I am troubled over all these shits, the more I do not know how to turn to anyone. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and to be honest, this time,  I am just so ashamed of this whole mountain of debt I’ve gotten myself mired in, which makes it even harder to try and talk about it. And so I’m back to my nightly jogs. The adrenaline that makes my heart pound helps to distract my mind and exhaust my body enough that I can spend lesser hours tossing and turning in bed. Reading articles on dealing with depression is actually helping a lot more than I expected, as I try to ween myself off the bad habit of running to Bossmon every time I’m troubled.

To be honest, I know exactly what the problem is, and I know exactly what the solution is. The only thing that’s keeping me so low in spirits is the actual execution of the solution; the awareness of the amount of sheer determination and self-discipline that I’m going to have to stick with over the next two years to put everything right again, or at least set my life back into some semblance of “order”. And yes, I do know and understand that I’m basically just whining, but I’m so over beating myself up for every single flaw. I’m never going to be perfect, and I’ve come to make peace with that. For now, I’m just struggling to focus on doing the things I need to get done, be it work-related or personal.

Step by step, day by day, task by task… Just hang in there and hope, believe and pray that everything will come to pass.

I miss him

I miss our late night chats; the stories, the lessons, the secret smiles and laughter that he doesn’t know he brings me.

I miss pestering him like a kid, even though I’m normally not this childish. At least, not all the time. I love it when I manage to make him laugh, even though sometimes he tsks like a disapproving adult, but no, I don’t see him as a fatherly nor brotherly figure. Most definitely not.

I love it when he laughs. It transforms his whole face, and… I don’t know. It just makes me happy when I know that he’s happy.

And though I know he doesn’t think of me the way I do, I cannot help but secretly hope that one day, it could be. Silly, I know, but I guess love is never rational.

I’ve decided to stop matchmaking him, because I realised that I get jealous when he seems to be seriously considering. I know it makes me sound stupid, but what seemed like childish fun in the beginning obviously backfired on me. I don’t regret it, but I just ain’t gonna play such games on my heart anymore.

He says that love is the “feeling of being fucking excited to see her”. I don’t know how true that is, but I do know that I’m always happy and excited to meet him, to talk to him. Even our whatsapp conversations can make my day feel extra sweet.

I wish I could tell him how I feel.

I wish he could be by my side, especially now as I struggle to correct the mistakes I’ve made all these while. Not to help me solve my problems, but just to be here, a comforting presence.

I wish I could tell him the truth about me. Who I really am – this shitty little person, and the situation I’ve put myself into, but I would hate it if he ended up judging me negatively…

Counting down to next Friday when I can get to see him again, after nearly a month.

I really miss him.

Clarity

And all of a sudden, I am finally aware of the reason why I have been such an emotional wreck on and off the past few years. The answer had been there, always blatantly staring me in the eyes, and I had even acknowledged it, but subconsciously, I just chose to escape.

Just like how 3 and a half years ago, I chose to run away from the pain of the break-up by constantly distracting myself, I have been applying that same logic and same bad habit to the other aspects of my life, and tadah! Here I am today: forced by myself into a corner with nowhere else to turn, forced to finally face my problems head-on.

I can no longer ask myself “what the fuck is wrong with me?!”, because the clear, simple answer all this while, has been to stop running away. All this while I thought I was in control, that somehow I could solve all my problems, that it would always turn out to be a happy ending, but in the end, I was nothing but wrong, wrong wrong.

I’m angry at myself for allowing all this shit to happen. I’m upset that the situation has deteriorated to such an extent. But I think, I’m glad that I’ve finally reached the point where I can no longer run away from reality. It truly is time to start facing everything, and difficult though it may be, I no longer have a choice. The beginning is always the hardest, but I guess what must done, must be done. It’s going to be a long year or two, but I have no other option except to keep going forward and hope that this time round, I can finally put things right.

I’m not a religious person, but I pray that I will be able to ride it out this time round.

Blue Monday

So! ACCA results are out, and… I suppose I should be happy that I finally passed my audit paper (F8). Like, FINALLY! After 3 attempts, so much desperation and serious mugging… As expected, I failed the other 2 papers, and I know I’m not supposed to be affected since I didn’t even study for the papers, but… SIGHS…

The lack of mood to work is slowly snowballing, and while I’m not alien to this feeling, I’m suddenly struck by this thought that perhaps, just perhaps, it was a mistake to enter EY. No doubt I would probably never have cleared any of my ACCA papers had I stayed on in commercial accounting; that’s a really strong point on my list of pros and cons. But at the same time, I still can’t fully adapt to the environment here. Heck, I think I’m just generally lost in life, but it really doesn’t help that the people around me keep quitting. I mean the ones I care about, of course. I think I must have sighed a hundred times just this morning.

On a more positive note, having so many things biting down on my ass means that I’m finally feeling the urgency to stop procrastinating. Now to translate that sense of urgency into real action.

It feels like suddenly there are like, a million things on my hand. Freelance, backlog from work, my debts, my studies… I know I know, I asked for everything,  and I’m not exactly complaining lah. More like berating myself for pushing myself into juggling so many things at one shot. And yeah, procrastinating didn’t exactly help either. The goal now is to complete everything on my to-do list, both work and personal, instead of letting everything roll on and on. I think this bad habit started from AFCO and yep, I probably should seriously look at changing this.

Feeling like Gudetama

I’m totally stuck in lazy mode ever since study leave ended. My backlogs from work, my freelance deadlines, my own personal shit to handle… It’s all pressing down on me constantly but all I wanna do every day is just lie in bed and lock my mind away in my fantasy world. I know full well that I really need to get a grip on my life, but urgh!

I really wonder if there will be a day when I can finally have nothing chasing after me. Just pure, simple zen. No backlogs from work, debt-free, no devils playing tricks on my heart. I think, maybe emptiness could be a blessing in disguise, but I suppose that is something that the average human will never be able to achieve. Somehow, it seems that our DNA is programmed to seek troubles, whether in the form of chasing after money or chasing after love.

It seems that the harder I try to pull myself out of this abyss that I’m in, the deeper I seem to be sinking. I know the main priority is to settle all my debts, but I just can’t stop travelling. It’s my one escape from all the day-to-day bullshit, despite knowing full well that I SHOULD devote every cent I can manage to dredge up, to paying off all my debts asap, but I’ve never been a rational person…

Just booked another flight to Tokyo in September, this time together with the parents. All common sense tells me that I shouldn’t have gone ahead with this trip, but recklessness seems to drive me these days. I honestly don’t have very much to spare now and I should really stop digging holes for myself to jump into. I don’t dare to make any promises, but I would like to tell myself that this is truly going to be the last time that I’m doing such reckless shit again. Because this time I really feel goddamned guilty and ashamed of the mess I’ve created. It’s getting out of hand and I’m losing control, and I really need to stop this before I end up killing myself.

One thing though, this time I’m not feeling depressed. Rather, I’m feeling desperate, and I badly want to do something to rectify the problem. I want to be free of all this debt, and I think I’m finally at the point whereby the urge to be free is perhaps even stronger than my passion for travel. Because I know I must be patient; that only when I am truly free can I pursue my passion and my dreams. And also because of Boss. He seriously inspires me to become a better person, like if I don’t try my best at the things I do, I’m going to end up disappointing him and that’s the last thing I want.

I’m giving myself two years to try and settle everything and start rebuilding myself, both in terms of finances and of work and career. I need to stabilise myself again, go back to that point in time when I was still in St James (not literally, of course), when even though my salary was still meagre, at least I wasn’t in debt and didn’t have so much burdens on me. I hope, just really fucking hope, that everything will turn out alright. Sighs…

TGIF & Good Riddance

Learning to keep my mouth shut is no mean feat. I have this tendency to talk way too much, without thinking through thoroughly enough. It seems I have this disability to differentiate between normal friends, close friends, good friends, whatever, and then I end up saying or doing things that offend others, most times unknowingly. Long story short, I should just learn to be quiet. Silence is golden, so they say, right?

Had a hellish Monday, running off to the toilet to break down and cry umpteen times. I was really embarrassed and mortified to be behaving like that, because my current client seems to be a nice person and it wasn’t as if anything catastrophic was happening. It was just me, and my awful thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I wonder if those hormone pills are affecting my emotions, but then I think back and realise that I’ve always been this mental and I guess that’s just the crazy side of me. Surprisingly, I actually managed to get SOME work done at home in the night and had a long conversation with Boss about that shitty client. Seriously, what would I do without him? It feels amazing how I managed to smoke in 6 years of working experience without learning how to deal with shitty people and shitty situations, like, what have I been learning huh? I miss Boss… I wish he would come back to EY soon, but I also hope he can pass his ACCA asap. Sighs~

It’s finally Friday, and I’m so looking forward to tonight. KTV and dinner with Mel at her house, and sleeping over after that. I was actually quite touched and surprised when she invited me to stay over, and I feel like an honoured guest now. Haha!

Ending work in about an hours’ time, and I’m too happy to care about all the other issues that have been making me angry for the past week (namely fucking irresponsible seniors who don’t do a single shit). Karma will come to those who deserve it, and I shan’t waste time being upset over assholes.

Mid-Year Blues

It’s mid-year, and I’ve always hated mid-year. It’s always the draggiest, and most boring part of the year that’s hardest to get through.

The worst part of audit peak is finally over, I guess. I mean, yea, there’s still a lot of overtime to put in, lots of backlog to clear, but I can definitely feel the hectic-ness dying down.

Been in a negative spell again recently, but this time round I know it’s not the kind of deeply-depressing bout from last year.

I think I get stronger each round.

Okay, I am very much conscious of the fact most of my negativity is due to my over-thinking of everything. Like seriously, sometimes I wonder if my mind is sick. I am still trying to stay positive, though. I suppose that sounds really skeptical, coming from me, but I really AM trying to not let myself derail (again).

All these years I’ve still not managed to learn to not care about the words of others. Sometimes I really hate how easily affected I am by the bullshit of others. But I’m still trying to stay strong. Reiko says being negatively positive helps. Like asking yourself, what could possibly be worse? Maybe I should consider adopting her strategy.

 I know Mel is right; I should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, but is it really impossible to believe that as long as you treat people with sincerity, you get the positives back too? Right, so maybe I am too dumb. Sometimes I think back on the way I treated Delia and I regret how judgmental I was back then. I used to think and believe that at a certain age, your words and actions should reflect the matching level of maturity, and I was SO intolerant of her childishness. Yet, am I not the same now?

I started this blog 3 years ago with every intention of trying to look at life with a more positive outlook, but reading back on my entries, I must say I’ve failed. Spectacularly, miserably, FAILED. God knows how many times I’ve cringed and laughed at the irony of title “Imperfectly Loved”. God knows I’ve been tempted many times to delete everything I’ve written, but nope. I have this super bad habit of wanting to erase everything I don’t like about myself and trying to pretend it never existed, and I KNOW I really need to stop it.

Nowadays jogging has become my best way of clearing my mind. It’s the time when I can allow myself to freely daydream and concoct all sorts of crazy situations or scenarios without worrying about interrupting any other aspect of my life. And I think retreating back into blogging is a safer haven as compared to all the postings I do on Facebook. Although some days I really don’t have the energy to do crazily long posts, but at least I don’t have to worry about accidentally saying or posting the wrong things.

 I’m struggling to learn to handle all the problems without whining to everyone about it. I’m trying to learn to keep it all in, to tackle my own problems on my own without constantly feeling the need to reach out to others. It’s not easy, but I will keep trying. I just have to keep telling myself everything will get better. Right?