And there it is again, that immense urge to run away from the mess that is my life. Sometimes I’m not even sure what it is that I really want. I spend so much time obsessing over my planners, writing in them again and again the things I need to do, to get done, yet somehow I just can’t get my ass down to truly focus and put it all into action. Honestly, I wonder what is truly wrong with me.
I think one of the reasons I constantly feel that I don’t measure up is because of the fact that there is so much shit going on in my life. My debts, my job, my studies. Nothing seems to be falling into place, and as time goes by, I feel mounting pressure to have something to show for all these years of work and efforts. Sometimes I feel that I have nothing to my name; that the person everyone sees on the surface is a mere projection of who I want to be, but deep inside, I’m just nothing but an empty shell.
I suppose I should count my blessings that Melon is always there to encourage me and counsel me when I have this kind of negative thoughts, even though sometimes the truths that she hits me with are pretty hard to swallow.
I’m not sure if it’s the huge amount of outstanding to-do lists making me feel shitty, or because of my empty bank accounts and pockets; I don’t even understand what is it that I’m feeling exactly. My mind just won’t stop feeling jittery, and the more stressed up I am, the more I just want to buy an air ticket and fly the hell out of here. Even though I’m already about to fly off in another 2 weeks.
I think I just really don’t know what I want. I know what are the logical things to do, but I don’t know if those are the things I really want. Some days I feel like I struggle to remember how to be happy. Sometimes it’s like I just cannot find the energy to pull myself up. I don’t know what I can do to find that energy again. No matter how I try to brainwash myself, tell myself that, as long as I keep trying, everything will work out fine, it just doesn’t seem that way.
It’s about 3 more weeks to wrapping up 2016, and I’m trying to keep the optimism up. Trying to keep things simple for 2017, and make myself focus on just work and studies, and of course, clearing my debts.