I don’t seem to be able to find the energy to be my usual bubbly self. And it seems like I’m having the same old trouble with my breathing again. Guess I really can’t deny that I’m truly ageing.
Yesterday night was another one of those highly-strung days. I can’t say for sure whether it was due to the 2 cups of black coffee I had in one morning, or the sudden influx of whatsapp messages late evening which meant that I had to simultaneously deal with different conversation topics and therefore sending my brain into overdrive. Or… urgh, I don’t know!
On nights like these I am reminded of the reason why I started cutting so many years ago: that immense, pressing need to physically feel something, anything, through the tangled mess of thoughts that swirl and creep through my mind. But a dozen years older and (hopefully) wiser at 26, I now know that somehow, all this shit will come to pass in time. All I have to do is just keep hanging in there…right? Yet why does that knowledge feel even more painful?
It seems like the more I am troubled over all these shits, the more I do not know how to turn to anyone. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone, and to be honest, this time, I am just so ashamed of this whole mountain of debt I’ve gotten myself mired in, which makes it even harder to try and talk about it. And so I’m back to my nightly jogs. The adrenaline that makes my heart pound helps to distract my mind and exhaust my body enough that I can spend lesser hours tossing and turning in bed. Reading articles on dealing with depression is actually helping a lot more than I expected, as I try to ween myself off the bad habit of running to Bossmon every time I’m troubled.
To be honest, I know exactly what the problem is, and I know exactly what the solution is. The only thing that’s keeping me so low in spirits is the actual execution of the solution; the awareness of the amount of sheer determination and self-discipline that I’m going to have to stick with over the next two years to put everything right again, or at least set my life back into some semblance of “order”. And yes, I do know and understand that I’m basically just whining, but I’m so over beating myself up for every single flaw. I’m never going to be perfect, and I’ve come to make peace with that. For now, I’m just struggling to focus on doing the things I need to get done, be it work-related or personal.
Step by step, day by day, task by task… Just hang in there and hope, believe and pray that everything will come to pass.