I want to live

On 16 September, the Chinese entertainment industry received shocking news that a well-loved celebrity had passed away in a freak accident – Alien Huang. He was only 36 years old, and so full of life and dreams, yet a slip on the floor snuffed all of that out of him. He wasn’t even given the chance to fight for his life under treatment.

To him, I am nobody, but to me, he was an idol who I had admired since schooling days. I’ve watched the shows he hosted, the movies and dramas he acted in, and listened to many of the songs he sang. He was a piece of my growing up years, albeit not a significant one. I was very much affected by news of his sudden death, because it was such a timely reminder that life can be so very unpredictable, and after very much self-reflection, for the first time ever in my life, I began to fear death.

I’ve struggled with (what I suspect to be) chronic depression since I was in secondary school, and the lowest point in my life was after my break-up with G, when I went through a period of time when I was suicidal. Every day while I was on the taxi to work, I would hope and pray that an errant speeding car could knock into my cab and take my life. I wished accidents could happen to me; something, anything, that would take away this life that I did not want to live.

The turning point was in May 2013 (which also happens to be the time when I started this blog), when I had gone on a trip to Bangkok with the Zabors and some ex-colleagues. On the morning when we were initially scheduled to come back to Singapore, N slipped into a diabetic coma and we had to get an emergency ambulance to rush her to the A&E. Another ex-colleague and I extended our trip while the rest went back to Singapore, and it was during those extended 3 days that I had my first “awakening”. As I watch N, who was barely 21 back then, struggling to fight for her life in the ICU, I realised how much of an idiot I was to be so nonchalant about my own life. It was there and then that I finally stopped entertaining suicidal thoughts.

Sadly, N passed away late last year, far too young at only 27.

Over the past years however, I had continued to maintain a rather indifferent attitude to my life. My thinking was that, if I dropped dead the next day, then so be it. I was never consciously afraid of death, and quite many a times, even felt that death was something I would be willing to welcome any time. This all changed after reading the news on Alien Huang’s death.

I spent the next two days thinking, reflecting and asking myself the question: “What if it happens to me?”

What if I dropped dead tomorrow, without a single warning?
Would I really be able to move on to the afterlife without a single regret?
Was there really nothing that I would feel saddened to leave unaccomplished?

And it was in that moment that I consciously realised that I truly wanted to live.

That life to me, contains so much more than I’ve always thought it did. That I am afraid of suddenly dropping dead tomorrow, because there actually are goals that I still want to accomplish and things that I want to live for, even if only for myself. To be perfectly honest with myself, this thought and this sudden will to want to live did not come as a result of anyone but purely out of a selfish desire to still want to pursue materialistic wants for myself, but I guess if it gives me the motivation to push on with life, why not, right?

Trying hard to hold on to this spurt of motivation, although I am hesitant to let my expectations soar too high. I can only humbly hope that I can one day be truly proud of myself, without the need to wonder about the disapprovals of other people. I know this journey is not going to be an easy one and there will be times when I feel tired but I will keep his story in mind whenever I feel like giving up. 加油!

I’m back, again

Can’t believe it’s been three whole years since I last blogged. Admittedly, I haven’t given much thought to this blog over the past few years, but I do occasionally come back to read my old posts, something which I’ve just done this afternoon.

I spent a long time reminiscing the past, looking at the stuff I’ve written, and all the while marveling at how the things that used to cause me sleepless nights and endless tears, just… somehow don’t matter anymore now. I guess time really is the best medicine for everything.

The last three years haven’t exactly been a smooth journey, but I’m really glad to be able to say that I am now in a much better position than when I used to be. I’m not going to do a catch-up on life here, because it would be really hard to do that, but in summary, I’ve moved on from EY, switched jobs twice after, found a company where I am relatively contented in, and have just about cleared off all my debts. Yes, life is finally starting to look up, although I am hesitant to think that I am fully out of the woods.

As for A… We haven’t spoken in nearly a year now, and I guess I’ve learned to move on with life without him. He still holds a place in my heart, and I think he always will, but I have learnt that some people and memories are best kept tucked away in a quiet corner.

I am fast approaching my 30s this year, but with it comes, not a sense of dread, but the knowledge that I am finally back on a path with a clearer direction. Of course, as with anyone else, I don’t know what the future may hold for me, but at least at this moment, the future is something I do look forward to. And that is a story that I shall leave for the next post.