It’s been 2 months since our first quarrel, and in between we actually had another hiccup. To keep a long story short, he shouted at me while we were playing PU and I was really upset by that. We had a 4-day long cold war before I finally decided that I didn’t want to stay mad at him.
I guess we’re even now?
I honestly considered the idea of just breaking off all ties with him during those few days. I mean, it would be a good time to do that, wouldn’t it? To cut off all the heartbreak and sadness of knowing it could never be. Of not having to put up with his selfishness towards me anymore.
But somehow I couldn’t do it. I guess I’m still not ready to, although I’m not even sure myself, of what I’m hanging on to.
The only good thing is that, in between work, school, Jap classes and freelance, I really don’t have that much spare time to really overthink about him. Every day I just repeat the mantra of “he does NOT care for you” and try to move on with my own tasks. There is really much to do, and I’m behind time.
I guess love is something that will continue to be a low priority on my list. I did actually meet someone on Bumble who, I guess, would actually be an ideal partner in all aspects. The only problem now is that my heart is still occupied, and while I am really trying to throw him out, it’s not like it doesn’t take time. Personally though, I also hesitate when I think about long term commitment. I think there is a part of me that is still not ready for marriage yet. Not sure if it’s because of my first relationship, but it seems like I have trouble believing in forever. I want to – the idea of it is theoretically romantic and something I would look forward to, but practically? I don’t know. Or maybe I just haven’t met the right person yet.
Even with Baymax, I’ve never dreamt of marriage, even though I like him a lot and yes I would want to be with him. Maybe that’s also partially got to do with the knowledge that he would never like me back, or that the way he treats me now is rationally not something I would want in a future partner. But love is never rational, is it?
I’m still learning to accept Baymax as he is, cold words and all, although it doesn’t mean that I’m forcing myself to stay in love with him. In fact, I suppose the more I see him for who he really is, perhaps the easier it would be for me to get over him. It’s all about a matter of time, right? And I can only be patient with myself as I grind through life’s more important tasks and obstacles.
imperfectlyloved 