Signs of the universe

I think the universe somehow sends its own signs. Messages that help to guide us through the downs, and point us in a general direction.

He asked me out for a movie, and I guess the “date” went pretty okay. There was no awkwardness, thankfully, but I had to constantly remind myself not to get too close. It’s so tiring for me and my overactive mind.

I’m back to this loop of wanting to “get more out of him”, even though I keep telling myself that it’s not possible, that I shouldn’t, that it’s all so wrong. Seriously, I tire myself out. Maybe, just maybe, it would have been better for both of us if he had just stayed away, never initiated contact, and just let things between us fizzle and die off.

Meanwhile, I’m getting all sorts of prompts to just give up on him and move on.
Thought Catalog articles on Facebook, tarot reading videos on Youtube, and even my own heart is starting to feel the futility of him ever reciprocating my feelings. All the messages I’m getting tell me to focus on myself, to give both of us a break, to allow some breathing space and maybe things could get better.

I know all of this, and yet it is just so hard to stay away. To control myself not to look forward to his messages, to not want to find an excuse to text him; to just get him out of my mind.

The last time I was this obsessed over a person, I kinda screwed up my life, and this round I really cannot afford to do that anymore. It’s taking so much effort to be myself and go about with daily life. I’m really thankful for the friends around me who give me so much love and support while I’m wasting through all of this emotional mess. I probably need to try harder to work on myself, and hopefully with time, my heart can heal once again.

Next year this time, I want to be carefree and happy again.

Reflection

I’m being selfish again to my friends, as I take this period to do some serious self-reflection.

I had a long chat with Sam (over WhatsApp) and she was really harsh on me, but not in a negative way. She kinda forced me to really take a hard look at myself and question myself on what I really want.

Managing expectations.

This is something that I’ve never really considered, or been aware of before. Melon said the same thing as well.

I have high expectations from the people around me. Subconsciously (or not), I hold them to certain expectations/comparisons of how I treat them versus how they should treat me back, and I always get disappointed when they fail to meet my expectations. I get disillusioned, I feel like people don’t value me as much as I value them, and I feel let down. I start to withdraw and distance, and stop “giving” so much of myself because I don’t want to be hurt by them.

Sam says I am narcissistic.

I’ve never actually looked at myself this way.
All this while I kept thinking of myself as a “victim”. It never occurred to me that it was me who was setting the bar too high for others, and that it was unfair of me to do that.

I’ve retreated into myself again for the past few days, partly because I was still upset of the incident with Baymax, and partly because I was upset with myself. I thought a lot about the things that Sam and Melon said to me, and I went for counselling again, because I really wanted to figure myself out. I also realised that I have trouble truly loving myself, especially when my heart is attached to someone. All these years, I’m still prone to allowing my world to revolve around that special someone; I devote all my time and energies to that person at the expense of myself, and I get frustrated when I don’t receive the same amount of time, love and attention from him. I baby him, and make myself so readily available. I try to predict his wants/needs and cater to all his whims. I make myself so easy for him. He doesn’t even have to TRY to do anything, for me, or for himself. And then I get upset because I feel like he isn’t “giving enough”. But at the end of the day, it’s really because I’ve been setting very unrealistic expectations from him without considering things from his point of view. In this case of Baymax, we’re supposed to be “just friends” but the kind of expectations I’ve set on him are way over that of normal friendship.

And it’s wrong.

I feel like I’m starting to re-look at myself all over again.
I’ve been asking myself hard questions; having conversations with myself on what I truly am looking for. To examine my emotions and see if those are a result of unrealistic expectations, and trying to ask myself what would be a more realistic or proper approach.

It hasn’t been easy, partly also because I feel like I lack the self-awareness, but I’ve been trying to (and I want to continue to) be as honest with myself as I can, by digging deep into my thoughts and feelings, to search for the underlying truths and reflecting on whether I’ve been overly demanding, whether to others or to myself.

I’m really hoping to be more aware of myself. My emotions, my expectations, my reactions to others. I’m not striving to be perfect, but I think I would be a lot happier if I could have a better understanding of myself. I’ve committed myself to weekly/bi-weekly counselling sessions in the hopes that I can learn to look at myself through clearer eyes, and I’m hoping it will work.

I know it’s shameless and near impossible, but I still can’t help but hope that we can go back to how we used to be.
I miss him, and I still have the urge to share everything with him. I still want to hear about his students’ antics, his mum’s ghetto cooking, and all the random, mundane stuff he used to text me about. But I know, realistically, this is a thing of the past, and everything, once broken, can never be the same again. I need to learn to manage that.

In the meantime, I’m still struggling and trying to focus on the things I should be doing.
Like my school assignment that’s going to be due in a month, for which I haven’t started writing anything.

Love Kills Me

I’ve gone and done it again.

Fell in love with someone who can’t love me back, and ended up with bruises all over my heart.
Acting like a lovesick fool, crazed and demented.
Depressed, and crying the entire day, all over a guy who doesn’t and will never reciprocate a shred of my feelings.
I really hate myself for being so dumb and stupid.

This year started out so well, with everything seemingly on track. Until we started getting close.

I remember telling myself, “he’s not my type.” I genuinely thought and felt so, until we started chatting. Until he kept breaking down my defenses bit by bit. And somehow he crept into my heart, even though I kept telling myself no. I tried so hard to resist, but I still fell. And then the nightmares started.

I became obsessed with his every word, his tones of speaking, his little actions. I became dependent on his attention; glued to my phone waiting for his texts. I wanted to be with him all the time, to see him every day. Our weekly Japanese classes and study group sessions became the highlights of my week. When we stopped study group, I was upset because it meant one lesser chance to see him. Then he stopped Japanese classes too. And I desperately had to find all sorts of excuses to ask him out, just so I could see him, be near him.

I think I’m emotionally unstable.

I deleted our chat in a moment of impulse. I told myself I would walk away and never talk to him again.
Yet I ended up apologizing. Groveling, almost. Because the thought of losing him forever suddenly made me so scared. I don’t know how or why I ended up so emotionally dependent on him. That’s so crazy, isn’t it?

Somehow, whenever it comes to love, I suddenly become so insecure and inferior, and I end up trying too hard to grasp onto it. And it always backfires.

I know I should focus on myself: My work, my studies, my mind and my body. But I miss him so much and I can’t help but keep wondering, hoping, that he could miss me too. I know the best and only thing I can do now is to give him the space and time he needs, but I’m so afraid that he will never talk to me again. I know, I’m messed up. The things I do, the words I say, are all the opposite of what my heart really wants, but I don’t want to lose him. Yet, the more I am afraid of losing him, the more I try to hold on tighter, and the more I end up pushing him away. I know he only sees me as a friend, and the more I try to hold on to him, the more it makes me seem like a crazed, demented woman who can’t control her emotions. Maybe I’m secretly crazy and truly need to seek psychiatric help.

I regret my actions, but I can only live with my regret and hope that time can make things better for both of us.
We can never go back to what things used to be, and I can only face that and move on. Not all mistakes can be corrected, but I can learn from them and try to improve myself. And that’s what I need to do now.

I miss him so damn much. But I will learn to live with that feeling in my heart; stop suffocating him and suffocating myself. Letting him go is the best thing I can do for both of us.

I’m sorry, Baymax.